


Behind the Goofy Smile

by orphan_account



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dissociation, Hidden Personality, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 16:22:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11490144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In between the time of Rise being saved from the Investigation Team and Kubo's copycat killing of Morooka- Adachi thinks his fun is coming to an end and takes the frustrations of the world out on himself only for Dojima to come knocking. He opens the door to see something he didn't expect from his partner and realises he doesn't know the awkward junior detective that well after all.Contains graphic self harm and Swearing.





	Behind the Goofy Smile

**Author's Note:**

> So this takes place around late June/ early July in between the space of time you have to save Rise and before the death of King Moron. In this story they usually save people in a matter of days instead of the last day you have to save people from TV.  
> This fic contains a lot of graphic self harm in this chapter in particular, I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with it or not but I'm mostly using Adachi for an outlet for my own shitty feelings.  
> I hope you still enjoy though! This is the first time I've done a fic in years. I don't have a beta so I apologise for any mistakes I may have missed!

It was boring.

 

Adachi sat on his apartment floor leaning on the lumpy couch behind him while he stared at the television playing the news with some skinny woman painted in makeup spoke about sunny days ahead in Inaba. His tired eyes drifted to the time in the lower corner, he was going to be late for work if he didn’t leave soon. 

 

_ What’s the point?  _ Adachi mused as he sank closer to the cold floor under him. It had been months since he shoved those two bitches into the TV and those kids at junes ran around the town like headless chickens when the midnight channel showed another brat making a fool of themselves. The last one was the idol who moved to Inaba, Adachi snorted and laughed into his beer as the slut danced around as she told the world to watch her strip. He was eager to see how her body would appear once the inside of the TV tore her apart but it was only a few days later one of the officers told him that she had been found safe and sound. 

 

It was fucking infuriating, he had finally found something entertaining in this shithole of a town and it was ripped away from him by some stupid high schoolers playing detective. The image of Yu Narukami flashed in his mind and he balled his hands into fists. As soon as that kid appeared everything started to go to shit, like he came to Inaba simply to stomp out the fire Adachi lit and take a huge dump on it. 

 

He couldn’t escape the silver haired kid either, Adachi would run into him constantly around the tiny town and if he took up the offer to eat something other than cup noodles at Dojima’s house he would be sitting at the table being glorified by Nanako.

_ Oh yeah...Dojima… _ It was already five minutes past the time he was meant to have arrived at the station. He would probably just get hit over the head or ordered to go buy cigarettes or coffee after a loud lecture when he arrived...eventually. Or not at all, since he still couldn’t find the motivation to get off the ground with the only incentive being something like being yelled at by his superior and having to listen to some citizen complain about the neighbours dog barking. 

 

_ There’s no fucking point… _

 

_ Nothing in this shitty world is worth the time. _

 

The detective looked around the room lazily for a sign of  _ something _ interesting to keep himself from slowly morphing together with the hard floor under him. Voices from the TV chattered as his gaze searched the coffee table in front of him covered in empty beer cans and cup noodles, his keys, wallet... _ oh _ . There was a folding pocket knife he took as evidence from a high schooler who tried to mug that old man Daidara who swiftly knocked the kid on his ass. Adachi couldn’t remember if he forgot to submit it as evidence or just took it on impulse like grapes from the supermarket. It didn’t really matter, all he knew was Dojima would pummel him if he knew it was sitting on Adachi’s stained coffee table instead of in the evidence locker.

 

Well he had already fucked up by having it here so Adachi couldn’t care less that now his fingerprints covered it as he picked it and flipped the blade out. He would just put on his idiot facade he kept up all these years - chuckle and scratch the back of his head with an apology and an, “Oops! I totally blanked on that!”

God he was so tired of it, usually acting like that came as easy as lying after all these years but other days like today he couldn’t be fucked to hide his true self. He liked to imagine how Dojima would react if he could see Adachi’s true self, the idea of his dumbstruck expression when he found out his partner was more fucked than he could possibly imagine. The thought made him laugh but also grit his teeth in frustration suddenly, that would be the absolute worst case scenario. 

 

Adachi lifted his hand to his face as his oversized work jacket sleeve fell from his wrist to see scattered scars from old cuts that were inflicted from way back in college and high school. Physical signs of his absolute boredom, frustration and anger at the world and people he was always surrounded by growing up. 

 

This world sucks.

 

_ Cut. _

 

He hated it here.

 

_ Cut. _

 

Just let it all end already.

 

_ Cut. _

 

Adachi stared at the dots of blood seeping up and dripping down his arm, staining his white unbuttoned shirt sleeve but he could hardly feel the pain. He just watched the red as the tv buzzed in the background, voices not reaching his ears despite the volume and pressed the pocket knife lightly on a vein. The idea of dying didn’t really scare him, it’s not like he wanted to be alive in the first place but the new power of the TV gave him a boost to stick around a little longer in life for some fun. Now things had gotten more calm and everything had gone back to quiet little country town this past week and he was forced to face the grueling day to day reality. 

He growled at the thought and instead lowered the knife to an already bleeding cut and dug deeper, wincing at the pain but laughing softly at seeing his emotions in a physical form on him. 

 

_ God this is all so lame. _

 

He jumped at a loud banging at his door, dropping the folding knife on the floor and bringing him out of his personal world. Adachi looked at the door and then down to his wrist where he realised he could see some tissue poking out through the blood of the cut he dug into.

“Shit!” He whispered to himself as he quickly buttoned up his sleeve wet with blood and wriggled his coat sleeve up to hide his injury. 

 

The banging came again more quickly followed by a voice this time.

 

“Adachi! I know you’re in there, I can hear the damn TV!” Dojima yelled from outside.

 

God he totally forgot about work, how long had he been out of it? Adachi quickly straightened himself out and kicked the knife under the coffee table as he prepared himself for Dojima’s wrath. The door suddenly swung open in the process, the young detective swore under his breath as he kicked himself mentally for constantly being to lazy to lock it most nights after getting back from the police station. Dojima didn’t even bother taking his shoes off as he stormed in to glare at Adachi sitting on the floor against the couch searching for an excuse in his head.

 

“What the hell are you doing?!” Dojima roared as Adachi flinched at the volume, “You don’t even turn up for an hour and you’re just on the floor watching TV!” 

 

_ It’s been an hour?  _ Adachi flickered his gaze to the time on the television screen and back to Dojima, he hadn’t realised he’d been here for that long it hardly felt like five minutes. 

 

“Uh...must've lost track of the time?” Adachi tried.

 

Dojima wasn’t taking it, he pinched the bridge of his nose between his eyes in frustration as he groaned.

 

“Whatever, I don’t want to hear it. We’re going  _ now _ ” Dojima grabbed Adachi’s arm to pull him up.

 

He definitely wasn’t expecting Adachi to yell out in pain as he pulled back his arm with a hiss. Adachi glared up at Dojima but realised he had an act to put on and changed his face to a familiar smile mask.

 

“I fell over yesterday! I landed on my wrist strange and it still kinda hurts a little.” He explained quickly. The older man's face was covered in concern and confusion over Adachi’s sudden outburst, Adachi prayed he would just take it and drag him out by his collar to the stuffy police station.

 

He didn’t though and Adachi bit back an annoyed groan as Dojima went on one knee to be at his level and put out his hand.

 

“Let me see.” He ordered.

 

“That’s ok!” Adachi waved his arms and shook his head, “It’s not that bad, I’ll be able to work fine!”

 

“Just show it to me Adachi” The stern expression hadn’t left Dojima’s face as he reached out again for his partner’s arm. 

 

_ Shit, shit, shit _ . Adachi didn’t want to deal with this, he knew he had created this situation for himself but by god he would do anything to get out of it. He pulled his arm out of reach but he was dealing with the stubborn ass that was Dojima who just leaned over and caught his coat sleeve in his fist. 

 

Dojima’s eyes blew wide open, “Are you bleeding?!”

 

_ God _ . The blood must have seeped through enough to make it wet, Adachi went slack and his eyes fell to the floor. It was too late to stop anything as Dojima pulled his arm closer to himself and pulled down the coat sleeve to see the white beneath stained a deep red.  _ He looks like a real dumbass right now,  _ Adachi laughed in his head despite the situation at Dojima’s mouth agape and eyes searching his junior’s face for some kind of answer as he avoided any eye contact. 

 

“What the hell happened? You…” Dojima didn’t even bother with the sleeve button and ripped the fabric on his shirt sleeve to get to the source of bleeding.  _ What the hell that was one of my good ones too _ , Adachi simply watched as Dojima stared down at the fresh cuts on his arm surrounded by scars of done in the past. He had been careful for years to wear sleeves covering his arms the entire time he was in Inaba, not because he had been embarrassed but because he didn’t feel like explaining himself or getting stared at by whispering housewives who caught a glimpse back in his high school days. 

 

Dojima finally spoke up again a lot quieter than before, “Did...you do this to yourself? Were you trying to kill yourself?” 

 

Adachi couldn’t help but roll his eyes, “No I wasn’t.”

 

“Then why?!” Dojima gripped his arm tightly again, Adachi tried to wriggle out of his grip and the conversation he didn’t want to have. 

 

“I just did it! Stop worrying about it,” Adachi freed his arm and looked away from his partner. He honestly didn’t know how to explain it to someone like Dojima,  _ you know just sometimes I get so tired of the world and being alive so I fuck myself up to make myself feel something.  _

 

“I’m taking you to a hospital” Dojima said matter of factly and moved to pick Adachi up by the shoulders. The smaller man’s mind flew up in a panic.  _ No way in hell was he going to a hospital where they would ask him questions about his scars and try to shove some pills down his throat, he wasn’t doing this again.  _

 

It was fast and he didn’t have time to think but Adachi recoiled and bit down on Dojima’s hand hard. There wasn’t any blood but he knew it hurt when he heard his senior officer cry out and push Adachi’s face away with enough force for his head to hit the floor. 

 

“I’m not going to the hospital.” Adachi murmured into the floor. 

 

Neither of them moved or spoke for a beat, Adachi looked over his shoulder at Dojima with a hand over his face that made him look lost in thought. Adachi moved to sit up although he refused to look at Dojima or recognise that he was beside him. He had seen too much, just being caught after self harming was too much of a look behind the personality Adachi hid all this time. A thought hummed in his mind that perhaps he could try and toss Dojima in the TV but the police probably knew he was here and honestly he wasn’t sure if he could overpower the detective even if he had the element of surprise. His racing brain was interrupted when Dojima finally spoke up. 

 

“Fine. But you need to get those cuts cleaned.”

 

_ Not if it means you’re going to be here even longer _ .

 

“Look I’ll rinse it with water,” Adachi started, “Can you just go? Forget this happened and just tell the chief I was sick or something.”

 

“Where’s your first aid kit?” Dojima asked as if what he said flew right right over his head. 

 

Obviously Dojima wasn’t listening, Adachi grinded his teeth together as he pointed to the bathroom without answering. Dojima was gone and back in seconds taking out antiseptic, cotton swabs and bandages from the dusty first aid kit. When he put his hand out once again with a grunt, Adachi simply placed his arm in his hand in acceptance but he still refused to look his superior in the face. Although Dojima’s hands were rough, he was steady and soft with cleaning the wounds so it wouldn’t hurt his co-worker. Once again Dojima began to speak and Adachi felt like ripping his hair out with the barrage of questions he was about to ask. 

 

“So...do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

 

“No.” 

 

“It looks like you’ve done this before.”

 

“Yep.”

 

Adachi heard Dojima sigh out his nose as he put aside some bloody cotton swabs, he clearly wasn’t going to get any answers out of Adachi about the situation he stumbled upon. The stubbornness and the lack of eye contact reminded Dojima of Nanako pouting when he had cancelled plans or said no to a pet. Although that was nothing like this...Dojima had no idea that Adachi did things like this behind closed doors, he wondered if the bumbling detective was secretly suffering alone in this empty apartment. He shook his head as he began to wrap Adachi’s arm with a bandage, this was a shock but with the reaction Adachi had when he tried to take him to the hospital before it seemed like he wasn’t going to accept any kind of help right now other than reluctantly letting Dojima clean his wounds. 

 

“It’s done.” Dojima announced as his tied off the bandage. 

 

Adachi looked at Dojima’s handiwork with lazy eyes, the detective almost wanted to hit him across the head for not taking the situation serious enough. 

 

“Thanks.” Was all Adachi said. 

 

“Do you want to come to work with me?” Dojima asked.

 

Adachi shook his head.

 

“If I leave you here and tell the chief you weren’t feeling well, will you try anything else?” 

 

He shook his head again. 

 

Dojima finally stood and dusted off his pants, Adachi finally looked up at him to see the older man's eyes serious and laced with concern. It made him feel sick in the stomach.

 

“We’re going to talk about this, okay?” Dojima warned.

 

“I’d really rather not.” 

 

“Well too bad, I’m your partner and I say so.” Dojima wasn’t moved by any of Adachi’s words today. 

 

Dojima could see Adachi’s face drop and a sneer play on his lips but he said nothing this time. They were both as stubborn as mules but Dojima knew he would be able to push harder than Adachi, he had more experience with looking after Nanako’s rare outbursts these past years. He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he looked down at his partner, sleeve rolled up to his elbow with an arm scattered in marks across the man's arm and a fresh bandage covering the new ones. Sympathy filled Dojima’s stomach and guilt that he hadn’t noticed anything either in the time they had been working together. He looked Adachi in his tired, droopy eyes once more before heading back to his car.

 

“Don’t do anything stupid...please, Adachi.” Dojima said quietly.

Adachi stifled a laugh, he could feel his partners pity emanating off of him and it made him queasy just being beside Dojima. If he had known all the other shit Adachi had done these past months in Inaba he would be on his knees begging him not to do anything stupid rather than looking down on him. It took some time for him to think about what kind of reaction Dojima would prefer to make him finally leave. 

 

“I’ve learned my lesson.” Adachi nodded finally. 

 

_ Now just fucking go already and stop looking at me like some dying cat on the side of the road _ . 

 

Dojima threw his jacket over his shoulder and walked over to front door, he looked back at Adachi as he opened it. 

 

“I’ll be back later, just rest up.”

 

Adachi gave him a quick salute that made Dojima scoff as he reluctantly closed the door behind him. He listened for the sound of Dojima walking down the steps of the building before he finally groaned loudly, smacking himself on the forehead as he fell to the floor once more. That was terrible, he had joked alone earlier about the idea of his partner seeing a glimpse of his hidden self but never did he want to it to  _ actually  _ happen. He had half a mind to rip of the bandages and destroy Dojima’s work until he remember that he said he would be back. Adachi didn’t understand  _ why  _ he would come back after that entire clusterfuck of a situation, he had seen something ugly and still said he would return to check up on Adachi. Even if he wanted to talk about it or felt some responsibility for him, the junior detective already knew he was going to pretend nothing had happened no matter what Dojima says to him. 

 

It’s better that way, they can both ignore it and go on with their daily lives without making it a big deal. Adachi reached for the remote on the couch behind him and finally turned the TV off, something he should've done before this all happened so maybe Dojima would think he was slacking off near Junes instead. He stared at his tired reflection looking back. 

 

_ This sucks _ .


End file.
